I’d lie and say writing this column is difficult. I probably should, because it’s always late. I should say that it takes me days to figure out what to write about, but really, it just takes me days to actually sit down and do it. I’m a procrastinator. And a damn good one at that.
When I do finally force myself to sit down and do what I’m supposed to, it’s actually kind of easy. I just point my browser toward news.google.com, find whatever sparks my interest, and prattle on about it for about 650 words and hope some of you find my take on it interesting. This week was a little more difficult than most, though. After being awe-struck at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, I’ve been obsessed—watching whatever coverage I could. But as I was marveling at the ability people have to put their differences aside and come together in the form of healthy competition, a far more similar contest was taking place just a thousand or so miles from Beijing. Russia, not content with the U.S. being the only country to flop their gigantic military cocks on the tables of smaller countries, thought it would be a good idea to say a hearty “Fuck you!” to the hope and unity the Olympic games inspire and send tanks, troops and missiles into Georgia.
Of course, there are two sides to every story. The Georgian regions of South Ossetia and Abkhazia are breakaway republics, and Russia claimed that their Aug. 7 invasion was enacted to protect the people of those regions from the Georgian government. Large militarized nation moves in on smaller country to protect its people from their own government: We’ve heard that type of rhetoric before. Oh, and Georgia is vital in the oil trade, too. Bet you couldn’t have guessed that. Its Baku-Tbilisi-Ceyhan pipeline transports 1 million barrels of oil per day from Azerbaijan to the Mediterranean Sea—roughly 1 percent of the world’s oil needs.
What looms more ominous about the situation is the reaction of the west. Strong words have ping-ponged back and forth between Washington D.C. and Moscow. Remember those days? When Rocky fought Drago and pop songs like “The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades” and “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” tried to put a happy face on the impending nuclear holocaust? They’re back! Unlike Iraq, Iran or North Korea, Russia actually does have “the bomb” and the capability of using it. I don’t think that’ll happen, mind you. There’s no money in wiping out the human race. Who’ll need to gas up their cars or go to Wal-Mart if we’re all gone?
Still, any time I hear two countries with nukes getting uppity at one another, I think back to that dream sequence from Terminator 2—when Linda Hamilton turns to bones—and I get spooked. When I hit up Google News today to find out if there were any new developments in the Georgia conflict (there was a cease fire), recent developments in the ongoing Bigfoot saga were a lot more abundant.
While camping in the U.S. state of Georgia (talk about synchronicity), Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer allegedly discovered the corpse of a humanoid creature that they claim is the elusive Sasquatch. Delighted by their discovery, they tossed the body in a cooler (with a few living Bigfoots watching on) and kept it in a freezer for two months before alerting the world of their discovery on Aug. 15 at a Palo Alto press conference. Both men were wearing tan hats advertising their Bigfoot-themed Web site, and as you’d expect, the evidence is weak. DNA tests on the body have yielded inconclusive, human and possum results; and photos of the corpse and the creatures surrounding the site are blurry or overexposed. They didn’t produce the body as of this writing, but Whitton and Dyer said that a reporter from Fox News would be the first to see it. Apparently, they don’t have anything better to report on.