What do I got to do? Your boy is about to be the big 3-0 and I’m still single. Oh I’ve tried… even came pretty close once, but it just ain’t happening for me. I probably won’t be in People’s “Sexiest Men” issue any time soon, but I’m not ugly. Maybe I could hit the gym a little harder, but my sciatica might act up. And sure I often find myself mildly depressed, but I swear it’s only during the winter (usually). I am so about to kick this crazy porn habit, I just need your help, girl. Oh and I’ll apologize in advance for acting a fool when we get wasted some night. On the positive side, my abandonment issues are almost entirely under my control (so close!), and I’m really thinking about flossing more.

I know what you’re thinking, “Who wouldn’t want to date this guy?” I can’t figure it out either. I guess that’s OK since I’m not really good at dating. Things just always seem awkward, but I guess that’s just the nature of the beast. After all, you are trying to get to know someone in a very public and likely non-intimate setting. Each person tries to feel the other out hoping that “sparks fly.” It’s sort of like kicking the tires on a used car. The negotiations begin.

There are basically two different approaches to dating: loud or shy. The loudmouths come to bare their soul. They tell embarrassing stories about themselves, all while making fun of you. They probably bring up things that no one should know for a good month or so. Some may call them “intense.” Obviously, I am this type. The shy person has as many secrets as the loud mouth, but chooses to hide them by keeping the topic of conversation focused on the other. Seemingly better, their shyness only makes them all the more sinister. At least with the loudmouths you know what you’re getting into. The shy people just explode into a ball of crazy one day after you’ve been dating for six months. Have some decency people!

Speaking of decent, let’s talk about what I’m looking for. We’ll begin with the ideal, because I always shoot for the stars. The one for me would be college educated with some sort of career direction in mind. She would be a lover of music, the arts, food and wine. She would be aware of the rest of the world and its general situation and have a good sense of adventure when it comes time to see it. A good sense of humor is a must. As far as looks go, I don’t really have a type. Despite my longest relationships being with blondes, I have no problems with brunettes and sometimes red heads (Devil women!). I like them tall and short, so let’s say between 5’3″ and 5’10″. Weight wise, I like anything from petite to curvy, it just depends how you carry it. However, if we are in the same weight class than I’m gonna have to put the nay-no on it. I won’t be sharing clothes with you unless it’s something to sleep in.

That’s all good and fine, but I know this ain’t a perfect world (see my last column). The older I get, the more I’m willing to settle for less. Maybe you didn’t finish high school and you got a missing front tooth. We can still talk… if you put this Chicklet in that gap in your mouth. I know most people consider a job as a “sandwich artist” at Subway temporary, but I think you have made a fine career out of it. And hey, I like sitting on the couch and watching movies too; I guess all the time would be OK. I see you in the club, big legs, makin’ eyes and whatnot. Play your cards right, it could happen. Put the word out! This dreamboat is available and I think you would make an excellent first mate! Get to the Internets and leave me a message. Let me holla at cha, girl!