We have finally done it, people. One of life’s great mysteries was unlocked just a few short weeks ago and the world is abuzz with all the possibilities this fantastic discovery will bring. Jorg Massen and Kim Dusch of the University of Vienna have conferred with the God of Science and all now agree that human beings yawn to cool their overheated brains. Here you thought the purpose of yawning was to show that you were tired or bored, when, in reality, it was all of that thinking about yawning that gave you hot brain and made you yawn in the first place!

I know what you are thinking: the world is full of morons whose underutilized brains cannot possibly overheat; and yet, they yawn with the best of ‘em. The answer to this riddle may very well amaze you. It sounds crazy, but apparently even stupid people use their brains! It’s not that they don’t think, it’s just that their brains get stuck thinking about stupid things like Kim and Kanye’s wedding and remembering to breathe.

Smart or dumb, one thing is for sure, thanks to Global Warming and your penchant for thinking, you will be spending a lot of your life yawning. According to a random Google search and quick skimming of the results, the average person yawns about 20 times a day and the average yawn lasts about six seconds. That means the average person spends over a month of their life flapping their lips in the wind and dangling their uvulas for the whole world to see.

Wouldn’t you like to have that month of your life back from your selfish, hot brain? Are you sick and tired of opening your mouth just to cool off your lame brain? Is your melon too stewed to cut the mustard anymore? Are your jaws wired together due to a facial injury or recent weight loss surgery? Well, I have great news! Chigger Family is here to help you! That’s right folks, Chigger Family, the makers of Face Melter® pepper spray, has just what you need to get that hamster back on the wheel again with our exciting new line of brain cooling systems.

Your brain is a valuable piece of equipment. While we may have learned how to cool the brain, it’s important to remember that we don’t yet know how to replicate it or replace it with another brain, so you are stuck with the brain you have. That means you need to protect it. Fortunately, Chigger Family has you covered! Our line of brain coolers uses a proprietary technology we call Incidental Cranial Envelopment (ICE®) to artificially cool the brain and prevent yawning. There is no need to be hot-headed with the Chigger Family ICE® system.

With such cutting-edge technology, I bet you’d expect one of these life-changing devices to cost you a fortune. We here at Chigger Family know that the brains of Americans run hotter than most. Call us patriots if you’d like, because we here at Chigger Family want to help all Americans soothe their noodles. With that in mind, we are happy to announce our first two products utilizing ICE® to hit the market.

In conjunction with our promotional partner, 7-Eleven, Chigger Family is proud to bring you the ICE® Cap! The ICE® Cap is the brain cooler by the people, of the people, and for the people. Simply purchase two Slurpees at a participating 7-Eleven and you will receive a free “harness” and special crazy straw to strap the Slurpees to the sides of your head while you suck down their icey goodness. Go on! It’s OK to give yourself a brain freeze when you are sporting a Chigger Family ICE® Cap!

For those of you with a more discerning taste or a phobia of liquor stores, Chigger Family has the most exclusive brain-cooling device on the market. We call it the nICE® Cap S and it will allow you to achieve things that no other human had previously thought possible.

The nICE® Cap S combines the ease of use of a helmet, the coolness of ice and the style of the Hollywood elite into one nice package. Just place the nICE® Cap S on your head and go about your business. The way it form fits to your head (and only your head) will leave you wondering just how we did it. Bask in the microclimate created around your body on a hot summer day and feel free to lose that umbrella in the winter. The nICE® Cap S has you covered for every occasion.

It’s time to take care of yourself. Your mind is a terrible thing to waste and we are all tired of smelling your awful breath when you yawn. Chigger Family’s Ice® Cap and nICE® Cap S will make it all better. Just don’t think about it too hard, America. We all know what that leads to!

– Bocephus Chigger