Why should kids get to have all of the fun? Let’s face facts; being an adult pretty much sucks. When work and bills aren’t filling our days, we are busy preparing for tomorrow’s work or worrying about yesterday’s bills! That is why it is imperative that we all blow off some steam from time to time. Now, you could go somewhere romantic with your hubby or out for a night on the town with friends, and both would be great fun, but why not try something you haven’t done in forever? Why not build a slip and slide?

I say “build” because you can’t buy one in your size (at least not the adult version of you). Believe me, I checked. While that slippery yellow strip of plastic seemed to extend across your entire backyard as a child, in reality, it was only 16 feet long. Somebody should have sued the makers of Crocodile Mile, the lying bastards. So unless you like grass-stained rug burns, I don’t recommend your standard issue Slip ‘N Slide or any of its kin for your adult fun.

Not to worry though; this is not a difficult project! A trip to your local home improvement store should satisfy nearly all of your needs. The hardest part of this will be steering that flatbed cart that those types of stores seem to favor. I just want all of the wheels to point in the direction that I am pushing the cart. Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, grab your cart from hell and zigzag your way to a roll or two of opaque plastic painter’s tarp, a hose (or two, depending on the situation at your homefront), sprinkler heads for said hoses, and 10 to 12 tent stakes. You are also going to need a hammer for the tent stakes and something to cut the plastic if you don’t have it already. To the cashier at the store, you look like any other person preparing to complete a weekend project that’s been sitting idle for too long. Little does she know, you are about to build one badass, muthafuckin’ slip and slide!

The first thing you need to do is crack a beer. If you are doing this right, it’s hot outside and nothing helps projects like this more than a little booze on the brain. Go for something refreshing like a pilsner, lager or pale ale. Once your drink is half gone, you can work on this slide thingy.

Start by unrolling your plastic sheet to the desired length and cut it with your knife. Don’t be shy; unlike penises, the longer this baby is, the better. Take your tent stakes and strategically place them around the edges of your plastic tarp. Put your sprinkler heads on your hoses and let her rip. Voilà: slip and slide! Throw in a barbecue and some music and you have yourself a proper slip and slide party.

If you want to make it real dope, you better grab eight to 10 bags of sand at the home improvement store and some duct tape if you don’t have it already. With that, you will build a mighty splash pool that will take this ho-hum slide to something that would make Napoleon shit his pants in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure!

Take your roll of tarp and tape together 6-foot strips of plastic until you have a 6-foot square sheet. Make another square just like the last and tape it to your slide. Open up the sandbags and pour a barrier around the inner radius of your plastic square, leaving an opening for you to slide through and into the splash pool.

With your sand walls shored up nicely, slap the other plastic square over the top and tape that top layer to the rest of the slide. Make it nice and smooth. Your ass will be sailing over this tape shortly, so you don’t want any snags. Finally, pin your splash pool down with some more tent stakes and get some water in there because it’s time to slide, baby!

I’ve spent much of my adult life trying to avoid sprinklers, so it’s a nice change of pace to frolic in them. Hitting that wet plastic for the first time makes you feel like you were 8 years old again. Try out your styles. Are you a head-first, belly slider? A feet-first, baseball slider? Some sort of suicidal hybrid feet-first, belly slider? Do what works best for you. You don’t need to be an athlete to slide. If you can slip and fall, you can slip and slide, though you may be better off with a little extra body fat for cushioning.

Which brings me to my word of warning: I won’t lie to you; the next day is going to be a little rough. You may have felt like one on the slide yesterday, but you aren’t a kid anymore. Your old broken down adult body is going to be sore in many strange places. Maybe you will bruise a rib or two or pull a muscle. You will definitely have grass all over your house if you let people come inside to use the bathroom. Oh and then there is that hangover. On the upside, the backyard won’t need to be watered for a while and you were free of all your adult troubles, even if but for a moment. It will be totally worth it; I guarantee it. Now let’s show these punk-ass kids how it’s done!

Bocephus Chigger