Looking at the squirrels in my backyard while the cool Delta breeze kisses my face
The purple explosion sunsets look better than anything I’ve ever seen
Always lights, from the Halloween decorations in The Fabulous Forties
To the Christmas twinkles swallowing up
T Street
The magic of nature and the city together is everywhere
Sac State Arboretum is a plant museum of delights
The McKinley Park Rose Garden endures the wedding photos
While every tree in this city of trees stand watch over the cool people within
East Sac Nextdoor is scared of the coyotes
Just leave Jimboys on your lawn so they won’t eat your cats

The music and noise massages my brain fromAce of Spades to Harlow’s to Pops and Concerts in the Park
From Silver Orange to Blue Lamp to
Drop Dead Red to Autumn Skies
The sounds of joy bounce from
The Red Museum to Lavender Heights
Press Club, Ironsides, Café Colonial
Go to Poetry Unplugged and hear the testimonial
Gabriell Garcia and Lee Osh keep the punk alive
While Peter Petty jumps the jive
April Walker is a funky space talker and my oh my it’s Andru Defeye
Come back for Seconds, Allyson and Kevin
Jesus and the Dinosaurs sound like Heaven
Hobo Johnson, Anton Barbeau, Tycho, CAKE and Mozzy, you know
Death Grips and DJ Lady Grey rock, Warp 11 can suck my Spock
Andy Laughlin, Rituals of Mine, let’s see LaTour playing at Shine
Hans Eberbach and Jerry Perry, The Philharmonik and DJ Larry are rockin it
Drunk Poetry, Luna’s and AndYes are rhyming it
Ross Hammond, Hoods, Michael Ray and Sparks Across Darkness
Dog Party’s bite is worse than their barkness
Comedy Spot, Laughs, Punch and Stab!
The jokesters at A Toucha Class ain’t
too shab
Stephen Ferris, Dru Burks,
Ngaio Bealum
So many good jokes nobody can
steal ‘em
Shahera Hyatt, DJ Sandhu,
Regina Givens, Lance Woods
Make you laugh like you knew
they could
Parker Newman, Kiry Shabazz,
Becky Lynn, Melissa McGillicuddy
Throw off my meter badly and make it hard to rhyme
Setnik, Jensen, Taylor, Cella, Mangham, Lewis, Luna, Portela
Stigerts, Mena, Harshaw, Haney
If you’re looking for comedians,
you can’t complainey
John Means, Duffy, Winfield and Crall
Emery, Rice and that’s not all

Our art? It’s more than a big gaudy Koons
We’ve got train museums, theaters, tunnels and escape rooms
Indo Arch, Art of Toys and The Sacramento Zoo
The Red Rabbit at the airport and Matias Bombal, too
Memorial Auditorium, Sofia, Crocker, Crest
The Alien Tourist Trailer at South Side Park is the best
Though the severed head on 65th is goofier than the rest
The places to eat are amazing like no other
Ginger Elizabeth, Cookies, Canon, Bacon and Butter
Solomon’s, Chando’s, Vallejo’s, Simon’s, Sampino’s, Evan’s
Rest in peace, Biba, I hope you’re enjoying Heaven
Mother, Origami, Español and Opa! Opa!
Hana Tsubaki, Culinerdy and Tea Cup Café are dopa
The Wienery, Pasty Shack, Nopalitos, South
Put Rick’s, Gunther’s, Pushkin’s and the Squeeze Inn in my mouth
Fox and Goose, Suzy Burger, Taste of Thai, The Kitchen
Stanely, Yum Yum, Spudnuts and Donut Madness are so bitchin’
Old Soul, Chocolate Fish, Identity have coffee that can spark it
Stuff my belly full of hot links and ribs from MoMo’s Meat Market
Mikuni, Sushi Café, Fish Face have no fakery
And nothing is sweeter than New World Bakery

Who doesn’t like The California State Fair?
Hey Chris Cabaldon, would you please be our mayor?
Katy Karns, Maya Wallace and Pat Walsh will never rest
Taxi Dave, Jason Malmberg and Greg Sabin are the best
John Marcotte, Darin Wood, Christy Savage, Danny Reynoso
Skid Jones, Bill Burg, Greg Berger and Aaron Carnes are oh so
Bethany Crouch, Gavin Ferguson, and Marcos Breton
Bob Moricz, Kendall Tobe, Josh Fernandez in the zone
CPR’s Beth Ruyak has Insight, Jace Witman’s a star
Steph Rodriquez is a great writer for Sac N and R
Imani Mitchell makes movies
Rebecca Blanton makes books
Dave Downey has the World’s Best Comics
Urijah Faber’s got some powerful hooks
Joey Garcia is a longtime delight
Melissa Tafoya leads the Parkinson’s fight
Phil Samson runs Punch Line like no other
Mark S. Allen is funny and hosts the show Extra Butter

Pre-Flite, Faces, Badlands and The Merc
Don’t go to Sidetrax if you are a jerk
Track 7, The Maple Lounge, Henry’s and Socal’s
B-Side, Zebra Club, Club Raven for locals
Mango’s, LowBrau, The Depot and Azul
If you don’t like The Jungle Bird, then you are a fool
Shady Lady, Dive Bar, Coin-Op and Highwater
Tower Café is good for brunch with your daughter
Virgin Sturgeon and Swabbies have fun by the river
Pied Piper and Chargin’s are fun for your liver
River City Saloon, Zelda’s and de Vere’s
I’m drinking at Club 2-Me and wish you were here
Break things at The Rage Room
Shop at Compton’s Market and Corti Brothers
Listen to Killer Couture and Noise Fest with your mothers
Fairytale Town has a super
Crooked Mile

Robert Berry’s brain began to explode. Perhaps this was too ambitious of a plan to write a poem like this? It wasn’t very good and it barely rhymed at all. He still had many more things to mention before he was done?
What about the American River Parkway, Anti-Cooperation League, The Antique Plaza, California International Marathon, Capitol Park, Carol’s Books, Chalk It Up, East Sac Bike Shop, The Farmer’s Market, East Sac Hardware, Ed’s Threads, the great yard sales, The Garden Tour, Effie Yeaw, Empire Arts Collective, Empire Comics, Folsom Boulevard Flea Market, Front Street Animal Shelter, George Washington Carver School, Girls Rock Sacramento, The Geery Theater, Great Escape Games, The Brew Bike, Historical Cemetery Tours, The Invisible Disabilities Show, Turn Verein Hall, Sac Anime, Kava Comedy Kick Back, Khalypso, Kicksville Vinyl, KYDS, that house on Lady Bird, Lady Business at The Comedy Spot, The Lambda Center, The Lavender Library, Loaves and Fishes, M Street in East Sac, Midtown Barfly, Mr. B’s Liquor and Wine, murals, that tunnel to Old Sacramento, your mom, Phono Select Records, Queen Sheba, Refill Madness, Rudolf Steiner College’s beautiful campus, Run to Feed the Hungry, Sacramento Ballet, Sac Republic FC, The Sacramento Shakespeare Festival, The Mustard Seed School, Second Saturday, Sacramento Natural Foods Co-op, Stone Yoga, Sutter’s Fort, Tella Novella, The Birkenstock Store, Talini’s Nursery, The Delta King, The Guild Theater, Light Rail, Time Tested Books, The Tower Bridge, Tower Theater, UC Davis Med Center, University Arts, One Speed, V Miller Meats, William Land Park, Patrick Skiffington, Thistledew Theater, Sierra 2, Victorian houses, rafting, the mute button on Next Door, Wayne Thiebaud and … and … Ground Chuck!

Yeah … there’s nothing cool about Sacramento. R.I.P. Dimple Records, Yucatan Liquor Stand and America Live!

    Robert A. Berry II

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    Robert Berry is an accomplished stand-up comedian and author of "Robert Berry's Big Book of Jokes." He's been writing about music, comedy, art and film for Submerge since 2016.