There is a certain dynamic that cannot be created except when in the presence of others. New ideas are shared and built upon to create new beliefs. Hopefully, when the group separates, everyone leaves with a little more than they came with. They usually form through shared beliefs or goals, but it can happen in other ways. Sometimes, it is something as simple as just knowing someone.
For that one weekend, he is known as the bachelor. He had always been one up to that point, but no one acknowledges it until a party is thrown in his honor. Under his flag comes a hodge-podge of friends and family. Some are known to all, and some are a total mystery. Whether known or not, everyone is there for one thing: to celebrate the groom-to-be before he takes the big plunge. Given the situation, societal norms are clearly out the window, so you best come prepared. Having been to a few bachelor parties, I thought I might drop a little game on how to survive this most auspicious of occasions.
To begin with, it should be noted that it is not possible to maintain any semblance of cleanliness when in the presence of so many men. In groups of any notable size, all men turn into wild animals after the second hour or so. Even the most germ-phobic man will reduce himself to food throwing by the end of first night. Trash will only be picked up in the morning, and only then under threat of a lost security deposit for the best man. With this in mind, it is probably a good idea to bring a pair of comfortable, but hard-soled shoes. These shoes will be your savior and should be worn at all times, lest you step barefoot on last night’s entrée.
Speaking of food, what do you feed all these dudes? Basically, all you need is meat (preferably in tube form; after all, it is a sausage fest), bread, chips, candy and mixers for the undoubtedly large array of assembled boozes. No need to get too creative”¦ Keep it simple. If anyone requires anything else, send that ass to the store. Remember, regular portions do not apply to men at bachelor parties. The binging doesn’t stop with the drink; so, always buy twice as much food as you think you’ll need.
After a day or two of drinking and eating, your stomach will be in a world of pain. From this pain will soon grow everyone else’s misery. Before long, all will know your putrid stench from a mile away. You will have the ability to clear a room in seconds flat. After witnessing this phenomenon myself, I have reached the conclusion that if the United States wants to destroy Al Qaeda, then it should allow its citizens to throw bachelor parties in the mountains on the Afghani border. The gas released from my vegetarian friend’s ass alone will make any man forget the promise of 70 virgins in the afterlife.
With so much funk in the house, you are going to need some drinks to numb the senses a bit. Remember, the quantity, type and quality of drink can all have a major impact on your weekend. Serve whiskey and someone will fall off the table, statues will be broken and fights will ensue. Serve beer and the results are nearly same, only with pranks replacing fights. Serve both and you better find a good hiding spot! One thing is for sure, you will do something ridiculous at the party; so you might as well have a convenient scapegoat. Alcohol can be that scapegoat!
At a bachelor party, it’s OK to drink to forget. You are also supposed to have porn playing or strippers dancing within your view at all times. You will eat half a pizza, two sausages, a cheeseburger and a bag of Funyuns in less than three hours”¦and you will hunger for more. Subsequently, you will lose track of how many shits you’ve taken in one day. With your new friends you will share some ridiculous stories from times past and create some ridiculous ones for the future. You will have drunk what feels like your body weight in alcohol, but only one bottle of water. At times, your future will seem bleak, but with the help of your compatriots, you will rally again. You will slap each other’s backs and go out into the world as one massive beast. And the ground will shake beneath your feet.
Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com
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