This goddamn rain is never going to stop, is it? The rivers are full, the Lake Berryessa glory hole runneth over and the dams are past the breaking point. I know April showers bring May flowers and all of that, but we already had a wildflower super-bloom and a dam blow in Oroville, so I think we’re good. Before you know it, this whole city is going to be underwater and what will we do then?
It’s going to take hundreds, if not thousands, of generations before humans evolve gills. In the meantime, you’re going to need a way to keep yourself and your stuff dry. That is why it is so important that the first thing you do in your new soggy life is look for a boat.
Your first inclination will be to get yourself the biggest, most lavish boat ever, since this will be your home for the foreseeable future. That inclination is wrong. In the coming apocalypse that will ensue from the drowning of our resources, everything, including and most especially gas, will be at a premium. Without gas, that shiny new yacht is worthless, or worse, a slow-moving target.
Don’t believe me? Have you seen Kevin Costner’s seminal 1995 film and warning to us all, Waterworld? Watch that and tell me how your sweet new yacht is going to keep you nice and safe from the pirates controlling “Lake Sacramento.” Instead of going out like a sucka, play it safe and find yourself a nondescript pontoon boat with a sail and a few machine gun mounts to keep those limey pirate bastards away from your booty.
Oh, there will be booty and plenty of it, if you are willing to work for it. How long can you hold your breath? If you said, “Not long,” then you better start stocking up on scuba equipment and snorkels now. All of the good plunder is going to be hidden away in the places where we once worked and lived at the bottom of our new lake home. If you want to survive in our barter-based economy, you are going to have to swim down there to find your next meal ticket. If that’s not to your liking, you’d better be good at fishing.
People got to eat, and that dilemma will continue to persist even after we all take to life on the high seas. With no land to farm or raise livestock, we will all be counting on a lot more fish and seafood to stay alive. Those that fish may flourish if they are able to catch more than they need. Being a fisherman by trade will also allow you to spend more of your day top-side, breathing all that fresh air your scuba friends wished they could inhale. Believe me, they will certainly be jealous, especially once breathing becomes one of our most beloved activities!
Oh, the games we will play once we are forced to live at sea! Sure, they won’t be anywhere near as great as the things we enjoy doing now, but a little Marco Polo every now and again will certainly help blow off some steam. The card game, Go Fish, will be another strong contender, though the stakes will be increased when the loser is required to catch dinner for his fellow players. Unfortunately, the flood may force the Kings to finally leave Sacramento, but we can replace them with a top-seed water polo team, the Emperors.
Not only will our livelihoods and activities change, our looks are bound to change as well. Be prepared to start wearing Speedos and wetsuits all the time (and to start seeing banana hammocks everywhere). There will be no more hiding. Get ready to grease yourself up with copious amounts of sunblock to prevent burns during the few months of clear skies and scorching hot sun in the summer. In addition to your blotchy skin and tight pants, perpetual grandma hands are about to be your new thing. Learn to love your new wrinkled, soft, prune fingers!
I know it sounds like all hell is about to break loose, and I’ll admit that it kind of is, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be prepared. Figure out what the hell water polo is. Get comfortable in that Speedo. Start practicing your underwater breathing techniques. Finally, at the very least, get yourself a damn boat and learn how to fish, for Christ’s sake. This rain doesn’t look like it’s going to stop anytime soon, so you better be ready. It’s time to sink or swim!