That’s right, baby! 2007 is back once again to prop up your hopes and dreams. While the rest of these clowns waste their time talking about what happened in 2013, I’m going to tell you about what happened in a year that was even earlier than that one. This makes my articolumnblog thingy simply better than theirs. Besides, 2013 was mostly crap and garbage swallowed up by members of the Kardashian/Jenner/West family and regurgitated to the world. Do we really need to talk about it anymore?

2007 was a much happier time. We didn’t know banks were manipulating LIBOR for loans and we were only beginning to find out about credit default swaps, sub-prime lending and just how much of a dick Chase CEO Jamie Dimon really is. Sure, we could see the end coming, but we were determined to ride that one-legged donkey until she collapsed under the supreme fatness that has come to symbolize the good ol’ U.S. of A. New Years 2007 was our last hurrah before the shit show that has been the last seven years.

Just think about it. The government had been fucking up everything since Bush got elected into office in 2000; but in 2007, all was pretty much quiet. Dick Cheney was still busy watching videos of Saddam getting hung and screaming “Mission Accomplished” until his heart popped, which at least kept him out of some trouble. Bush knew his time was up and had probably already started painting pictures of dogs by then. Sadly, his legendary masterpiece from the era, Dogs in the War Room, still has not been released for public consumption.

The tides were changing. Barack Obama was the man to beat. Sarah Palin and Old Man McCain were busy running for “Grizzly Mom of the Century” and “Most Cantankerous,” respectively, and the rest of us had that hope and change fever. Obama saw the problems we had and the ones we were facing and he was going to fix everything. It didn’t really work out that way, but it sounded great at the time. Of course, had we known that we had only seen the wee turtle head of the massive ball of shit headed our way, we might have lowered our expectations.

But this was 2007 and expectations were supposed to be high. A 400 square-foot house was worth $650,000. We had shiny new iPhones in our pockets for the first time ever. We were on the cusp of something great. Sure, it turned out to be the second Great Depression, but we still had faith in our governing bodies to find common ground to solve the problems we faced. It was a nice feeling, and it lasted for a lot of us until Obama took office.

But enough politics and economics; let’s talk about what was really great in 2007: celebrity news and TV! For some reason we were still in love with American Idol that year and people were so happy that they decided watching The Big Bang Theory wouldn’t hurt them too much (you fools!). Bob Barker, a legend in television broadcasting, signed off for his last regular appearance on The Price is Right so that he could be replaced by a Yukon Gold potato with glasses.

Bob wasn’t the only television great that we lost in 2007. Anna Nicole Smith figured out the right combination of drugs to make the paparazzi go away forever. Ashton Kutcher also selflessly cancelled his hit show Punk’d so that he could search the world for “e”s to put in his show titles and to focus his energy on his relationship with Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. Not all was a loss, though. A young upstart from the adult film industry, Kim Kardashian, and her family of loveable, overly wealthy misfits first graced us with their presence on the E! Network in 2007. Thanks, E!

Living in the past ain’t so bad, if the past was that good. Wouldn’t it be great if we could go back to that time of innocence? If only we could just pretend that none of the horrible things around the world today were happening, just like how we used to in 2007. The world was our oyster and we were all given sledgehammers to shuck it. We may have ended up making a huge mess, but it sure was a lot of fun doing it. Cheers to you, 2007!

Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com

Four years ago, the world was a different place: electing a black president was still just a fantasy; thought of a serious, wordwide recession was just another thing for alarmists to rant and rave about; and Sacramento’s spaz-rockers Hella was together as a duo.

Now in 2009, no one bats an eye as Barack Obama helms the sinking ship of the U.S. economy toward what most of us hope are greener pastures (Rush Limbaugh), and Hella has began work on their first album as a two-piece band since 2005. Zach Hill (drums) and Spencer Seim (guitars) announced today on their Myspace page that they’re writing a new record.

Details are still few. According to the band, “the album will be recorded and finished this year of 2009.” However, as of now, no label or producer/engineer have been chosen. Uncertain music for uncertain times. What better band than Hella to serve as the soundtrack for the wild year ahead?

As I write this, my dude Barack Obama has been holdin’ it down as president for two weeks. It’s been a fairly smooth ride so far, but I know better. I’ve seen good things get soured too many times to view the world through rose-colored glasses. Everyone is excited to help out, to make change, but do we really need everyone to do more?

Being proactive is great and it’s sorely needed, but some of you might want to try a different approach. If you really want to help, just stop doing ignorant, greedy, selfish, evil shit. Money is nice, but it’s more valuable to society as a whole if you just stop being such a dick. There is a good chance that if you stop doing so much, we will all have so much more. If you think I’m talking about you (and you know who you are), you are probably right. So, to all you slimy fucks out there, I present you with a different mantra: “No we can’t!”

“No we can’t beat random people anymore.”
So, you want to help, do ya? Let’s start simple: Stop beating people. If you like to fight, make a career of it and start boxing or hit up the UFC. Now you dumb motherfuckers can beat each other to death without legal consequence while getting paid to do it! You don’t like your wife? Get a divorce instead of beating and/or raping her. Less violence equals fewer arrests, fewer court cases and healthier living. See how easy it is?

“No we can’t be greedy fucks!”
Stop stealing. I’m not talking about those who steal to survive; we are all entitled to that much. I’m referring to those greedy bastards who not only take the last cookie, but break the jar when they’re done. If you are complaining about not getting a bonus this year, I am talking to you. The same goes for you multi-millionaires who haven’t paid taxes in 10 years. If anyone from the Internal Revenue Service is reading this, please audit every member of Congress. If the last two weeks are an accurate indicator, I think you may have a potential goldmine on your hands.

“No we can’t use your money for hos!”
If your company was the recipient of a bailout and you decided to drop $40 million on hookers and blow (i.e. the “corporate retreat”), you are fucking things up. In fact, don’t do anything”¦we will all be much safer (and richer) that way. Don’t buy those gold shower curtains with company money. Don’t set up Ponzi schemes to live off the blood and sweat of others; and when you’re caught, don’t mail your most valuable possessions to relatives to avoid their seizure.

“No we can’t be friends with or work for the president!”
If any of the above pertains to you, do us all a favor and do not (DO NOT!!!!) advertise your support for Obama. Trust me—he doesn’t need your help. You are like a piece of dog shit that cannot be scraped off the sole of his shoe. You force him to drag that smell with him wherever he goes. Some of you may not be able to avoid him; so if the president approaches you, do your part and explain exactly how fucked up you are. Don’t skimp on the details. If he still doesn’t get it, tell him to forget he ever saw you and move to another country. Now.

“No we can’t!”
We must not forget that plenty of people would like to see us fail (suck it, Rush Limbaugh!). They will grasp at the most inane details in order to manufacture controversy and invite speculation. So, I say to those of you out there doing way too much dirt, don’t fuck this up for the rest of us. This planet is on life support and you’re fucking with the circuit breakers. Put your hands in your pockets, look toward the ground and repeat after me, “No we can’t!”

Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com

Apparently this Taylor Swift girl is pretty popular. My only recollection of her is the image of her sprawled out on a bed, singing about tear drops on her guitar, promoting an upcoming concert at an Indian casino in Northern California. I thought it was strange to see a 16- or 17-year-old girl promoting a show at a venue that she wouldn’t be allowed to enter. Apparently, even then she drew an audience. The pop-country star’s sophomore album, Fearless, hit stores in November and all it has done is top the Billboard chart for seven weeks, the most ever by a female artist in country music. She’s also the first artist to do so since Usher‘s Confessions in 2004. Apparently people know her, now you do too.

Critics’ and fans’ comparisons of Paramore frontwoman Haley Williams to Gwen Stefani have officially come to fruition as No Doubt has enlisted Paramore as support on their upcoming tour. The Sounds, Janelle Monae and Bedouin Soundclash will alternate as the tour’s opening act. Billboard reports that dates have yet to be announced but will played in outdoor amphitheaters and arenas in North America.

Since Pete Wentz has been busy having celebrity babies, Fall Out Boy hasn’t seen the road since their new album Folie A Deux hit stores. However, Wentz and company will be shaking off their road rust starting this spring. The band will take out the usual suspects as support: Metro Station, All Time Low, Cobra Starship and Hey Monday. The tour is titled “Believers Never Die, Part Deux” and kicks off in early April, hitting Memorial Auditorium in Sacramento on April 8. Fall Out Boy can also be heard on a new track titled “Open Happiness,” which features Panic At The Disco, Gym Glass Heroes, Cee Lo and Janelle Monae. The song will be used as part of Coca Cola’s Happiness Factor Three commercial campaign and will feature the artists on 20 billion cans of cola. Yippee.

John Mayer is testing his TV chops on CBS this spring. NME is reporting that Mayer has been given the green light to shoot a pilot for a variety show, which could lead to a series of specials or a full series. Although his previous attempt at TV, titled John Mayer Has a TV Show, had only one episode on VH1 in 2004, hopes for success are possible. You may also remember that Mayer had a great cameo on Chappelle’s Show, which I believe means there is some potential for comedic success. But as radio host Adam Carolla and company often debate, the jury is still out on whether Mayer is a douchebag or not.

Artists for the Barack Obama inaugural committee CD/DVD have been chosen. According to NME, the package is titled Change Is Now: Renewing America’s Promise and features 18 tracks from well-known artists as well as eight of his campaign speeches on DVD. Artists honored to be chosen include Stevie Wonder, Death Cab for Cutie, Wilco, Will.i.am, Maroon 5, Ozomatli and more. It’s gotta be the coolest inauguration CD ever, right?

And in other news”¦ Britney Spears’ new single “If U Seek Amy” spells out FUCK ME, and the ParENts TelevISion Council isn’t happy about it…

I’m not gonna lie”¦ after the last two fiascos, I was worried. I had lost faith in others, and who could blame me? After eight years of stupidity, war, greed, corruption, God-pimping and fearmongering, there didn’t seem to be much hope. The world had officially gone to hell in a hand basket (and I ain’t talkin a Longaberger!).
I can’t just blame President Bush or the Republican Party; the problem went much deeper. Something had driven roughly half the country bat-shit crazy. I wanted to believe they had been glamoured by Count Cheney, but I knew there was more to it than that. Despite not knowing the source of this lunacy, its effect was clear: America had lost its way.

The brain-damaged half of the country was happy with their brain-dead president and his team of know-nots. They were ready to swallow whatever shit was shoveled their way. They turned off their brains and changed their outgoing message to “FOUR MORE YEARS!!!” “SUPPORT THE TROOPS!!!” and the tragically comical, “U.S.A!!!” Differences were answered with cries of “TERRORIST!” A horror flick had become reality and the media was immediately smitten.

Those in the news business met up to decide which piece of this mindless bitch they could claim as their own. Fox News was appointed as the White House Press Secretary and Geraldo was shipped off to fight Al Qaeda. CNN put a bowtie on a small retarded child, named him Tucker, and unleashed him on the country until he was stopped by Jon Stewart. MSNBC’s Chris Mathews literally figured out how to talk out of his ass and proceeded to subject the world to his bungie-flower every evening. “Newsertainment” was born, but it still needed guests. Fortunately, some of the worst politicians in history just so happened to be in office at the time and they all wanted their turn on the m-i-c.

The Republicans drilled into the earth and summoned Karl Rove from Hell. “Turd Blossom” recruited Donald Rumsfeld, John Ashcroft and Alberto Gonzales to say things so confusing that it would take the public, the courts and the world over eight years to figure out. The Democrats, trapped in a recurring wet dream involving the Clinton years, did little more than shake their finger at the GOP. (“Bad dog! No earmark!”) With all of the scolding going on, the left had no time to choose a candidate with even a semblance of personality; of course, they were under the influence of a Sith Lord (I’m on to you Lieberman!). After eight years, we were broke, unemployed and homeless, and the government was busy picking fights around the world.

Many figured the end was near, until someone held up a sign calling for change. The battle between old and new began, and it was epic. On one side, probably the closest thing to the American dream, Barack Obama; and on the other, the self proclaimed “maverick” John McCain. Of course, they brought along friends; Obama had Joe “The” Biden and McCain had Sarah “The Warrior Princess” Palin. I’m not sure I will ever figure out why McCain chose the mom from Bobby’s World as his V.P. Perhaps he was hoping to parlay the campaign into some kind of variety show. If that was his plan, he forgot one simple fact: this country knows shitty TV, and it smelled that turd-burger from a mile away. On Nov. 4, 2008, with clothespins in their noses, America elected Barack Obama the 44th President of the United States by both a majority of the Electoral College and the national popular vote (imagine that!). I hate to admit it, but I cried when I heard the results. For the first time, in what feels like my entire adult life, I was truly proud to be an American”¦ then I checked California’s propositions.

What the fuck is wrong with this state? California overwhelmingly votes for change with Obama and then proceeds to ban gay marriage and shoot down two attempts at reducing our dependence on foreign oil? California, the first state to legalize marijuana for medicinal use, decides against easing prison over-population by letting non-violent drug offenders opt for treatment programs? Apparently, we have better things to waste our money on, like riding a bullet train into economic derailment. Congratulations assholes, thanks for stomping on our prosperity!

By Bocephus Chigger

Not What You’d Expect

Long before Sarah Palin stepped into the national spotlight and gave the small town of Wasilla, Alaska a name, John Baldwin Gourley of Portugal. The Man called it home. “It’s such a sheltered place,” recalls the singer/guitarist/songwriter. “It’s so very much a part of the United States and so very different at the same time.”

Currently in the middle of a two-month-long headlining tour, Gourley graciously took some time to talk with Submerge about the tour, Censored Colors and the recent election.

Where are you at this exact second?
We’re in Chicago. I just went into a shop to get out of the cold. It’s really fucking cold.

You’re probably somewhat used to that being an Alaskan boy and all.
[Laughs] You know, the thing that’s so funny that I always try to explain to everybody that nobody seems to get is it’s so much different, it’s such a different cold. The lower 48 is kind of a wet cold, more than the Alaskan frozen north. Dry cold is so much easier to deal with.

How has the headlining tour been treating you so far?
It’s been going really well. Earl Greyhound and Wintersleep are both really, really great bands. It was really good that it ended up being that way. You never really know when you go on tour. I mean, how many bands have we listened to over the years that we thought were really great and then you go to a show and it’s like, “Well fuck, not good!”

Tell me about your latest release, Censored Colors. It’s different from anything you’ve done in the past. Did it turn out the way you intended it to?
I don’t think a single record we have done has ever turned out the way we expected it to. It’s a good thing. We go through everything making a pretty conscious effort to make a different record each time; that’s important to us. But yeah, it came out the way it was supposed to. It was a record for family, and it was about respect and community and just about life, you know?

And you released it through your own label, right? It must feel nice to be free of a record labels constrictions and own your rights to everything. Will you continue to self-release stuff?
I suppose so. It kind of depends where everything goes. We never like to set any goals or expectations [laughs], we’re just going to do what we’re going to do. We’ll always make records and hopefully do at least one a year as long as the music is there.

Do you think it’s important to put out music that frequently?
I suppose it is. When you’re in a band, that’s what you do. You can’t expect to get better and progress if you’re putting out a record every two years. You can write an album based on a week of your life. You don’t need that space and that time. It’s just what we do. With everything we do, we always want to work hard at it. We’re already planning on going into the studio this December and January to do a new record. Our goal has always been to just make music and keep it moving. Hopefully we’ll get two records out next year, I would love to do that.

I want to switch gears for a second. You’re an outspoken political person with strong views; tell me how you feel about the results of the election?
I’m so proud. I feel like thing’s could go so well. He’s [President-Elect Barack Obama] really just got to take this and run with it. There’s no looking back. He definitely does need to bring the country together somewhat by just proving himself, he’s just got to get out there and do it. He’s got to just say, “Fuck it” to everything that’s going on right now and take it all in. He’s got a lot of work, you know? You can’t expect it to just happen overnight. It was definitely a huge step for the world.

Agreed. To wrap things up on a lighter note, you guys are constantly touring all over the world but do you think Portugal. The Man will ever actually play in Portugal?
[Laughs] Oh man, I imagine at some point. For some reason we haven’t had the opportunity. We definitely got to find some time to do that.