Some people just can’t catch a break… and then there is Lindsay Lohan. The former Disney starlet and current star of not a damn thing has been fucking up so long that some of you may know her best from her series of mug shots. Fans of those wonderful portraits may soon rejoice again as Lindsay might find herself “booked for another modeling gig” at the L.A. County Jail soon.

Fortunately, this time she didn’t hit anything with her car or steal jewelry from anyone, though her current troubles are related. In 2012, Lindsay was ordered to complete 240 hours of community service, which she was supposed to finish by November 2014. That didn’t happen, and she’s since been granted several extensions by the court for reasons that remain unclear to anyone with a sense of logic. May 28 is her new deadline and Lindsay reportedly still has about 115 hours of community service left.

Lindsay thought she had less hours left, but she doesn’t seem to understand how community service works. Lindsay tried to claim community service hours for starring in a play and attending a fan meet-and-greet, but in a shocking turn of events, the court ruled that those hours wouldn’t count. While Lindsay surely knows that those hours won’t count now, I’m still not sure she understands this whole “community service” thing.

Lindsay is running out of time and clearly needs my help. She cannot afford to make any more mistakes, so I want to go over a few other things that she may think will count as community service that actually won’t. After all, no one wants to see Lindsay go to jail; her hijinks in the outside world are just too great to lose!

Lindsay, you are clearly a menace on the road. You even did a Super Bowl commercial making fun of yourself. I think it’s safe to say that we are all better off without you behind the wheel of a car. Fortunately for you, you are rich or bad enough with money that you are willing to pay for a car service. That’s great! You should keep doing that, but it won’t count as community service.

We all have our vices. Some of us drink too much or do too much coke, or just party too much in general. You happened to do all of those things, Lindsay, which can be fun to watch. That’s what makes you, you! And while those things also make you the danger to the public that you are, sadly, stopping the drinking, drugs and partying will not count as community service, though it probably should in your case.

Those are two big ones that come to mind, though we should probably make a few more clear as well. In similarity to plays and fan meet-and-greets, doing low-budget movies, theater in the park, commercials, radio interviews, photo shoots, club and restaurant appearances or attending red carpet events all will not count as community service. Wearing clothes and jewelry given or loaned to you by designers will not count as community service. Giving your personal assistant the weekend off doesn’t count either. Basically, if you want to claim something is community service, it has to at least be done in service to the community. It’s right there in the name!

I hate to say it, Lindsay, but I think you might just have to bite the bullet and clean up garbage on the side of the highway with the rest of the criminals. I’m sure they can find the perfect job for you. I saw a video of you wielding a pair of hedge clippers and it looked crazy dangerous, so maybe you can sweep or something.

It won’t be so bad. Just think of it as research for your next big role. It’s about a former star that got so washed up that even Herbie the Love Bug wouldn’t fuck with her anymore. After her career tanks, she gets busted by the cops for a bunch of dumb shit and ends up on the side of the road in a prison cleanup detail sifting through garbage, searching for the meaning of life.

-Bocephus Chigger
bocephus@submergemag.com

The King of Pop will make his return to the stage for the first time since 2001. Michael Jackson announced an open-ended run of performances commencing at London’s O2 Arena on July 9. Jackson will begin with 10 scheduled performances and continue as long as demand dictates. This unique statement of world domination isn’t the first, however, as promoter AEG Live also did a string of 21 sold-out Prince shows at the same London venue, according to Billboard. Bets are already being placed on whether or not the erratic King will actually show up to the first show.

The kids in MGMT have balls. The band sacked up and decided to go after the President of France, Nicolas Sarkozy, for copyright infringement. The President’s Union for a Popular Movement party used MGMT’s song “Kids” for their national congress in January and in a couple online videos without permission, according to Pitchfork. The band hired a French lawyer to throw their weight around, but the French party isn’t budging. The UMP admitted their wrongdoing and have graciously offered the band one euro (about $1.25) in “symbolic damages for copyright infringement” says the Agence France Presse. As expected, the band and their reps find the response insulting, thus they will be offering only “freedom fries” on their upcoming tour.

The Fray has announced a headlining tour and will bring out Jack’s Mannequin as support for their summer (mostly) amphitheater tour. The Fray’s latest, self-titled effort managed to actually top Taylor Swift on the Billboard charts in its February debut, selling 179,000 copies. The tour, beginning in June, will also feature female-fronted Vedera on its Sacramento stop, July 31 at Sleep Train Amphitheatre.

The Virgin Megastore franchise continues to close shop around the country. Sacramento was home to one of the 11 Virgin record shops that were open throughout the U.S. in 2007; however, only three will remain after the San Francisco and Times and Union Square stores in New York close by this May. The Sacramento location closed in 2007, managing to outlast Tower Records, which finally closed its doors at the end of 2006. It’s no news CD sales continue to dwindle as record stores become extinct. This leaves me a perfect opportunity to plug the current R5 Records in the old Tower building on Broadway and 16th. Buying CDs is cool.

The orgasmic Icelanders, Sigur Ros, have signed on to contribute music to a new film, Ondine starring Colin Ferrell. NME reports that Sigur Ros keyboardist Kjartan Sveinsson will score the film directed by Neil Jordan. The band will also contribute a number of tracks to the movie. Ondine tells the tale of an Irish fisherman who discovers a woman in his fishing net who he believes to be a mermaid. I’m hoping for an Irish-indie version of The Life Aquatic meets Little Mermaid.

And in other news”¦ comedian Steve Martin will release The Crow: New Songs for the Five-String Banjo, joining David Hasselhoff, Lindsay Lohan, and most recently Joaquin Phoenix on the list of actors pretending to be musicians.