Are you unsure of what to believe anymore? Has the world got you tied up in knots, unsure of which path to take? Do you wonder what your lucky numbers are or which planet will determine your fate for the next two weeks? If your answer to any of those questions is yes, I can help you. If your answer is no, I encourage you to stay with me anyway; eventually, I will say something that’s right about you, too!

You see, the stars are always here to answer your questions and prayers; you just need a conduit like me to interpret their message. I have seen the shapes drawn by the stars in the nighttime sky and studied the rotations of the heavenly bodies therein to unlock the secrets that I will now share with you. If that sounds mystical, it’s because it’s supposed to. Be amazed and beware! Beyond this point are your horoscopes for the next two weeks …

Capricorn: Your weird love of peeing outside will finally get the best of you if you don’t change your ways before Saturn reappears in the eastern sky. You were always meant to be ruled by Saturn’s rings and that extends to the rings of toilet bowls the world over. Plus, standing in line for the bathroom could lead to an exciting job opportunity or potential relationship. You never know … but I do! Your lucky food is asparagus!

Aquarius: You may be ruled by Uranus, but unless your name is Sir Mix-A-Lot, your obsession with butts is going to be the end of you. For the next two weeks, pick a different body part to obsess over. Even an elbow can look like an ass if you bend it the right way! Your word of the week is “pygophilia.”

Pisces: Something fishy is in the air, and it’s not just your astrological sign. Your suspicions about your close friend will reveal themselves to be true (mostly), but don’t stop there. Now is the time to interrogate everyone in your life until only your true friends and family remain. You will need them when you colonize a forgotten island in the Indian Ocean to restart society after the end of the world. We are all counting on you.

Aries: You’ve been bumping heads with people a little more often than usual lately, little ram, and people are starting to think it’s weird. For the next two weeks, try shaking hands or saying, “Hello!” when you greet people instead of ramming your head into their stomach. You will start to notice that people are less afraid to see you and more inclined to talk. Your lucky socks … are missing!

Taurus: It’s long past time that you grabbed the bull by the horns. If your co-worker won’t stop ramming his head into your stomach, you are going to need to do something about it (and by something, I mean report him to the head of HR). It’s time to show this clown who’s the boss! Your lucky clown is Pagliacci!

Gemini: Watch out Gemini … Mercury is in retrograde, so you know what that means! Exactly! All of your worst nightmares could come to fruition in the next two weeks, but there is also a slight chance that all of your dreams come true. Either way, change is a-coming … or not. It’s really up to you. Your lucky number is seven and your unlucky number is also seven. Bummer.

Cancer: That spot has been on the back of your neck for far too long. It’s been growing and turning darker. Get that checked out soon and you will still have a fighting chance. Also, you are going to get crabs from someone you are close with who you won’t continue to be close with afterward. Spend a few days in the pool to recenter yourself and prepare for the battle ahead. Your lucky prognosis is benign!

Leo: Hakuna Matata! The Lion King remake is out and it’s your time to shine like you were Queen Bey herself! Now is not the time to be cowardly. Let the world hear your lion’s roar and make them all want to be part of your pride. It may also be time for a flea dip. Consult with your veterinarian.

Virgo: This is the month you are finally going to get laid. I know I said that last time and the time before that, but this time is going to be different … I swear! The stars around Mercury are aligned in the shape of a finger going through a hole. Your mojo is at its peak during this lunar cycle, so use it wisely. Your lucky number is 69, obviously.

Libra: Love is in the air, but so are the pesticides from all of that crop dusting. It’s time for you to decide if that special someone is worth numbing your senses over and if that much kale really is a necessary part of your diet. One of them is giving you gas and you will find out before the moon reaches its apex on the third Thursday of the month which one it is. Don’t forget to crack a window if you need some air! Your lucky element is sulfur!

Scorpio: Don’t let your jealousy and mistrust get in the way of an important relationship. Your spouse hasn’t been eating your snacks. It’s just a man that breaks into your house every day when you are not there. Get less delicious snacks if you want to be rid of him. He’s mostly there for the Whatchamacallits, so stop buying them. Your unlucky security code is 12345.

Sagittarius: Your curiosity will get the best of you when you discover something you wish you hadn’t while looking somewhere you wish you didn’t. You must decide whether it is too important to keep hidden or if you will never speak of it again. Either decision will have serious ramifications for generations to come, so choose wisely. And stop being so damn nosy! My lucky number is mind your own damn business!

**This piece first appeared in print on page 8 of issue #297 (July 31 – Aug. 14, 2019)**