The Olympics have finally come to a close. The torch is extinguished and the Olympic flag has gone to Japan for the Tokyo Games, but not everything has passed. For Olympic gold medal swimmer and American hero, Ryan Lochte, the Rio Games just keep lingering like the green water he swallowed in the pool.

There was an incident involving Lochte toward the end of the Games. If you were to ask Lochte what happened, he’d tell you that, while out celebrating with his teammates, he heroically tore down a dangerous sign, disarmed a ticking soap dispenser, drop kicked a menacing door and put out an exterior wall fire with his gold medal urine at a gas station in Rio. You know, basically your standard hero-level shit. And what did Ryan get for his heroism? He got robbed by a fake cop that hated swimming and America. Total buzzkill!

Of course there are always two sides to every story and if you were to ask the Brazilian authorities what happened, they’d tell it a little differently. The Rio police believe that Lochte and Aqua Team America decided to trash a gas station on their way home from celebrating at the bars like a bunch of bros. Supposedly, there wasn’t even a robbery. The police claim that a security guard stopped them and demanded money to cover the damages caused by the swimmers at the gas station.

“Jeah right!” says Lochte, but that perfectly adequate answer wasn’t enough for the media to let the story die. Per usual, the press is on a mission to destroy another young white man’s life and they aren’t interested in letting the truth get in their way. They’ve spread the lies of the Rio police and made it so no one believes Ryan anymore, but Lochte is not going to allow this character assassination to continue unabated. The man that killed Bin Laden is no gas station pisser!

You read that right, pal! Ryan Lochte is in the Navy SEAL Reserves and is a member of SEAL Team Six. Lochte was instrumental in Bin Laden’s capture, death and burial at sea. Up to this point, Ryan has remained quiet and humble about his covert adventures outside of the pool, but now that his character is under attack, he has decided it’s time to come clean about his time in the Middle East in an exclusive interview with Submerge.

You didn’t really believe that Osama Bin Laden was killed at his compound in the mountains of Pakistan, did you? According to Lochte, Bin Laden was captured in Pakistan and taken back to an aircraft carrier for questioning. Thinking the battle was won, the Navy invited a group of entertainers to the ship to perform at a celebration for the ship’s crew, but the performers turned out to be mercenaries under the direction of Al Qaeda and the ship’s crew was captured.

The mercenaries freed Bin Laden and planned to escape via submarine, but their plans never came to fruition thanks to Navy SEAL Lieutenant Commander Ryan Lochte. Lochte posed as a cook on the ship during the mercenary attack to avoid being locked up with the rest of the SEALs. As Lochte tells it, he was then able to sneak up to the top deck and leap into the ocean to avoid capture.

Lochte later emerged from the cold depths onto the deck of the enemy submarine just as Bin Laden was closing the hatch to make his escape. Ryan was able to flip the hatch open and pull Osama out by his beard just before the sub began its descent into the murky depths. In a final move of desperation, Bin Laden squeezed a shot off from his pistol at Lochte’s head. Fortunately, Ryan was wearing his trusty diamond grill and the bullet ricocheted off his teeth and into the skull of Bin Laden, whose corpse sank into the sea forever.

The real story was hidden from the makers of Zero Dark Thirty for Ryan’s protection, but now that the Rio Olympics are over, Lochte said it’s cool if we tell you all the truth. He’s not here for the glory, he just wants you to understand what kind of man he is. He is the kind of hero who isn’t interested in the fame that comes with heroism. Humble, kind, caring and patriot are the words that describe Ryan Lochte, not gas station pisser or door kicker.

But haters are gonna hate and the Lochtenator knows the deal. Lochte once said, “You could literally be perfect and people would still hate you for being perfect,” and that’s the real story here. This isn’t about a 31-year-old grown man and professional athlete getting drunk and trashing a gas station in a foreign country like a dipshit, this is about tearing down a perfect man out of jealousy for his accomplishments. Just ask Ryan Lochte. He will tell you the truth.

We can thank the ancient Greeks for this mess; they created the Olympics. Now, every four years a city is chosen to host the greatest athletes in the world for a few weeks of summer sports. We call it the Summer Olympics and being selected by the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to host the event used to be a real honor.

At some point though, things changed and agreeing to host the Olympics became more of a liability than it was worth. Now, most cities lose money hosting the games and are often left with significant infrastructure that is both expensive to maintain and of little use once the rest of the world packs it up and heads home. Part of the problem clearly rests on the IOC (who is in it solely for the money) and part of it falls on the cities themselves. Often, promises are made on both ends that are not realistic or were never meant to be carried out in the first place.

There is no better example of the dysfunction that has become the Olympics than the upcoming 2016 Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. For starters, the country has been in an economic downfall for some time, which only grew worse when their president was removed from office for corruption a few months ago. Due to a crash in oil prices, the government is also basically broke and unable to pay police to protect the public. As a result, incidents of violent crime have gone through the roof. In fact, Brazil is now the murder capital of the world, so gold medal to them! Even Juma the Jaguar, the official Olympic mascot, was shot and killed after escaping her handlers.

And then there are the other ways to die. By now, you’ve probably heard that the country is ground zero for the Zika epidemic and the World Health Organization has advised anyone who would like their lineage to continue to stay away. If the mosquitos don’t get you then perhaps a sip of water will. The bodies of water surrounding Rio also serve as its sanitation system, which means the lakes and ocean areas being used for the Olympics are full of shit, piss, garbage, super bacteria and, of course, a random human foot or two. To make matters worse, the local hospitals are running low on common medicines to treat the sick and infected masses that will soon be filling up triage centers hastily set up in their parking lots.

In light of these obstacles and in the spirit of the games, the IOC decided to make a few changes to the sporting events taking place at this year’s Summer Olympics. Due mostly to necessity, the Canoe Slalom is being renamed the Douche Canoe. Medal hopefuls will no longer be required to maneuver around a series of poles placed throughout the waterway. Instead, paddlers will navigate the everyday filth and feces of Guanabara Bay while trying to locate at least one disembodied limb in the murky waters lying beneath before the time runs out. Finding the most hands, feet and heads will get you the gold.

If the Douche Canoe doesn’t churn up something inside you, then perhaps the next new Summer Olympics event will. Synchronized Shitting combines the grace of swim dancing with the urgency of explosive diarrhea. The amount of water ingested by athletes in Rio’s aquatic events will be a big factor in determining who will compete for the gold. Montezuma’s revenge has never been so sweet, so grab your favorite toilet paper, cop a squat and prepare to be mesmerized. UPS has already agreed to sponsor the event. Go brown!

You know what they say, if the bacteria don’t get you, the super bacteria certainly will. That’s the idea behind the next event debuting in Rio: Water Polio. The rules to Water Polio are similar to the rules of Water Polo (whatever those are), with one key difference. Teams are required to play in pools contaminated with 100 percent pure Brazilian dookie until someone contracts the polio virus. The team that lasts the longest is awarded an additional five points. Dying for your team is the ultimate sacrifice and shows real dedication to your sport. Polio players, the IOC salutes you!

The Olympics are all about prestige, and it doesn’t get much more prestigious than submerging yourself in a pool of feces for a large chunk of semi-precious metal. At least that’s what the IOC would have you believe. The games used to be about bringing the world together in celebration of sport. Now they’re about the IOC, contractors and sponsors getting paid; safety for the citizens, athletes, trainers and visitors be damned! Congratulations IOC, you have created the shit show you deserve. Try not to swallow any of it!

I’d lie and say writing this column is difficult. I probably should, because it’s always late. I should say that it takes me days to figure out what to write about, but really, it just takes me days to actually sit down and do it. I’m a procrastinator. And a damn good one at that.

When I do finally force myself to sit down and do what I’m supposed to, it’s actually kind of easy. I just point my browser toward news.google.com, find whatever sparks my interest, and prattle on about it for about 650 words and hope some of you find my take on it interesting. This week was a little more difficult than most, though. After being awe-struck at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, I’ve been obsessed—watching whatever coverage I could. But as I was marveling at the ability people have to put their differences aside and come together in the form of healthy competition, a far more similar contest was taking place just a thousand or so miles from Beijing. Russia, not content with the U.S. being the only country to flop their gigantic military cocks on the tables of smaller countries, thought it would be a good idea to say a hearty “Fuck you!” to the hope and unity the Olympic games inspire and send tanks, troops and missiles into Georgia.

Of course, there are two sides to every story. The Georgian regions of South Ossetia and Abkhazia are breakaway republics, and Russia claimed that their Aug. 7 invasion was enacted to protect the people of those regions from the Georgian government. Large militarized nation moves in on smaller country to protect its people from their own government: We’ve heard that type of rhetoric before. Oh, and Georgia is vital in the oil trade, too. Bet you couldn’t have guessed that. Its Baku-Tbilisi-Ceyhan pipeline transports 1 million barrels of oil per day from Azerbaijan to the Mediterranean Sea—roughly 1 percent of the world’s oil needs.
What looms more ominous about the situation is the reaction of the west. Strong words have ping-ponged back and forth between Washington D.C. and Moscow. Remember those days? When Rocky fought Drago and pop songs like “The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades” and “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” tried to put a happy face on the impending nuclear holocaust? They’re back! Unlike Iraq, Iran or North Korea, Russia actually does have “the bomb” and the capability of using it. I don’t think that’ll happen, mind you. There’s no money in wiping out the human race. Who’ll need to gas up their cars or go to Wal-Mart if we’re all gone?
Still, any time I hear two countries with nukes getting uppity at one another, I think back to that dream sequence from Terminator 2—when Linda Hamilton turns to bones—and I get spooked. When I hit up Google News today to find out if there were any new developments in the Georgia conflict (there was a cease fire), recent developments in the ongoing Bigfoot saga were a lot more abundant.

While camping in the U.S. state of Georgia (talk about synchronicity), Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer allegedly discovered the corpse of a humanoid creature that they claim is the elusive Sasquatch. Delighted by their discovery, they tossed the body in a cooler (with a few living Bigfoots watching on) and kept it in a freezer for two months before alerting the world of their discovery on Aug. 15 at a Palo Alto press conference. Both men were wearing tan hats advertising their Bigfoot-themed Web site, and as you’d expect, the evidence is weak. DNA tests on the body have yielded inconclusive, human and possum results; and photos of the corpse and the creatures surrounding the site are blurry or overexposed. They didn’t produce the body as of this writing, but Whitton and Dyer said that a reporter from Fox News would be the first to see it. Apparently, they don’t have anything better to report on.