Not too long from now, in the West Sacramento Galleria Hall (not too far away), is a great time for a celebration! On May 4, 2014, The West Sacramento Civic Center and Community Center will be hosting a Star Wars-themed event from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. Come and enjoy the local vendors, comedy shows, costume parade, charity auction, Jedi wars and arts and crafts! Grab your light sabers and be sure to come in costume; if you do not, others may “find your lack in faith disturbing.” Tickets are $11 for adults and admission is free for children under 12. Fifty percent of the ticket proceeds will benefit the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and can be found at Maythefourthws.brownpapertickets.com in addition to other links providing more information on the event.

Bust out those shade hats, sunglasses and lawn chairs, it’s time for the 23rd annual Friday Night Concerts in the Park series! The 13-week series kicks off on Friday, May 2, 2014 at Cesar Chavez Plaza (9th and J streets) with reggae/funk/jam band extraordinaire ZuhG headlining. If you weren’t there last year when ZuhG tore the park down, let’s just say it was absolutely bananas! At one point they brought up dozens of people on stage and it turned into this big, sweaty, totally awesome dance party, so we’ll have to see what sort of tricks and/or treats they have up their sleeves for this year’s performance. Providing support on week one will be local Americana/alt-country group The Nickel Slots and local funk band IdeaTeam, and on the Republic FC DJ Stage, Rock and Rhyme will be banging out hits to keep the crowd moving in between bands. You can check out the entire series lineup at Downtownsac.org/concerts or click this link to our website Submergemag.com (please note there is no show on Friday, July 4).

It’s not just the live tunes you have to look forward to at CIP either, as there will be a smorgasbord of local food vendors on hand to offer grub that will no doubt soak up all that beer you’ll be drinking, including Azteca Street Tacos, Krush Burger, Wicked ‘Wich, Sacatomatoes, Yolanda’s Tamales, Fuzion Eatz, Golden Rice Bowl, Annie’s SnoBiz, Señor Dog and more! Oh and if you’re not down with beer, that’s cool too, because local beverage company Silk Road Soda is the official soda of Concerts in the Park this year and they have some really tasty, healthy drinks for you to enjoy (we highly suggest the “Cucumber with Mint” flavor). On top of all that, you can get your wife, GF or hip mom something cute from Gypsy Mobile Boutique, pick up the latest issue of Submerge from one of our many newsstands throughout the park and chill in the grass reading (shameless self plug), or just post up and watch local visual artists create artwork right in front of your eyes. Whatever it is that brings you to the park on Fridays this summer, we’re looking forward to seeing all of you out there enjoying Sacramento’s creative culture!

Black Lips, Coathangers
Assembly, Sacramento • Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Words & Photo by Andrew Scoggins

As advertised, the Black Lips show at Assembly last Tuesday was a booze-fueled, sweat-soaked rage fest where the dull day-to-day drudgery of the week faded into the background for a few moments of cathartic release. Or at least, this was how it was for a third of the crowd who chose to be a part of the show instead of those in the back, standing stoically with their arms crossed and scowls on their lips as all this merrymaking happened around them.

Maybe it’s just a symptom of the California scene and there’s some fantastic desert punk-rock shows going on right now in Arizona that are all kinds of buckwild, but it seems to be that no matter how raucous the show is, at least half of the crowd is standing silently. At the Black Lips show, people were crowd-surfing, stage diving, slam dancing in the mosh pits and spilling drinks all over each other; but then you look back and it’s that blank bored look on everyone’s face. It seemed to be even worse on the 18-plus side of Assembly.

Because of the fully stocked bar (possibly the No. 1 highlight of the sleek new venue), Assembly sectioned off the floor in order to keep the impressionable young tykes from the tottering, tattooed bad influences only a few yards away. This meant that while the drunk adult side was smashing into each other during the guttural shoutalong choruses of “O Katrina” and “Family Tree,” the 18-plus section seemed to be content to stand and watch, which was a complete 180 from the opening performance from fellow Atlantans The Coathangers.

The Coathangers is an all-female punk band firmly planted in the riot grrrl/garage aesthetic. The music is fuzzy, stripped down, snarling, snotty punk rock. And after walking on stage and telling the audience to “wake up,” the band proceeded to do just that. Lead singer Julia Kugel started the show with a barrage of shrieking vocals in a noise rock song that was played entirely with a slide. Most of the audience members seemed to not quite know what to make of that; but as the band got going into the rangy garage punk, most people were nodding to the beat and the 18-plus side was going wild, prompting bassist Meredith Franco to get into the crowd on that side and do vocals for a bit.

However, the real draw and the real energy from the band seemed to stem from drummer Stephanie Luke, who provided the snarling yell to Kugel’s shrieking yips. Luke’s drumming was ferocious and her singing style brought Iggy Pop to mind just in terms of the sheer visceral, animalistic violence of it. When the three members of the band switched instruments, it allowed Luke to step out from behind her black matted curtain of hair as she bent over the drum set and fronted the band, which she did with fantastic aplomb. Luke embodied a dangerous wild-card energy that the other members of the band seemed to lack. When she was leading the charge, the band fired on all cylinders. But when Franco took lead guitar duties for “Merry Go Round,” it all felt very staid and flat-footed. But judging from the reception the band drew, it’ll likely not be the last time they come to Sacramento.

Finally, Black Lips took the stage and it was really everything one would want from a punk rock show. There was some concern that after the production by Black Keys’ Patrick Carney, their newer material on Underneath the Rainbow wouldn’t have the same kind of frenetic vigor that their earlier material had. But after witnessing the slow-sludge stomp and grind of “Boys in the Wood,” their new material seems to complement their live set perfectly. There were a few misfires such as “Smiling,” which seemed a bit saccharine and pop-y for the Black Lips. But the entire set flowed well together and kept the crowd moving. Their second to last song, “Bad Kids” brought the place down as it tends to do, slapping every statue on the outskirts of the crowd from their apathy to a sweaty roiling mass of bodies.

The set seemed to end abruptly as the crowd called for an encore, perhaps “Veni Vidi Vici” that was conspicuously absent from their set, but Assembly turned on the house lights and some non-abrasive rock music and that was that. Although then they turned off the music soon after so those who wanted to hydrate properly with beer and booze were forced to go to another bar, losing potential revenue for the Assembly. Which was baffling to me. But other than that and the strange center divider for the show, the Assembly is a great venue for seeing some of the larger bands who overcrowd some of the smaller dives. Even the Black Lips seemed to be surprised by how many people came out, and guitarist Ian Saint Pé said, “We didn’t think any of you guys would show up.” Now if only they could get the lifeless mannequins to dance and participate, they’d have a proper rock ‘n’ roll show, but maybe next time.

Chuuwee, one of Sacramento’s most prolific MCs, has teamed up with a couple Southern California up-and-comers (rapper Trizz and producer AC3) to drop AmeriKKas Most Blunted, a solid full-length album that is a stoner’s dream. AMB is available now through iTunes with physical copies available for order at Allchucaneat.com or Therealtrizz.com.

“Trizz is cool to work with because like me he’s just down to get work in,” Chuuwee recently told Submerge. “We came together with a few ideas and knocked ‘em out best we could, got all our resources together and things went smooth.”

Although Trizz had worked with beatmaker Ac3 many times in the past (Ac3 produced his last few projects and, fun fact, is also currently working on Brotha Lynch Hung’s upcoming album Shooters), Chuuwee had never worked with him.

“Ac3 has various types of sounds and none of them sound like he’s ‘trying to make this kind of sound,’” Chuuwee said. “He’s authentically a dope ass producer. He catered to whatever vibe we were feeling during the sessions, which is always best to have with a producer.”

AmeriKKas Most Blunted is NSFW (unless you work in a cool ass office like we do!) and as the album cover suggests, contains explicit content, but that’s one reason why we like it so damn much. It’s some straight up classic West Coast stoner rap shit. “We wanted the vibe of straight up smoked out, chilling in the whip or at home, just feeling good and enjoying music. We wanted musically a good vibe for good weed,” Chuuwee said.

As of press time Chuuwee didn’t have any upcoming shows in the Sacramento area confirmed, but mentioned he was working on a couple. He does, however, have a ridiculous amount of new music coming out in 2014. “I think I’m finally ready to give the people a studio album,” he said. “But for the most part I’m dropping Cool World, The Chuuwee Channel, The South Sac Mack, 3rd Coastin and Be Cool 2.”

UPDATE: Chuuwee will perform at Harlow’s on Friday, April 18 with fellow Sacramento MC C-Plus. Also on the bill is P3tro and DJ Cos The Kid. Doors open at 9:30 p.m.

The Thermals, Colleen Green
Harlow’s, Sacramento • Monday, Feb. 24, 2014

Midtown on a Monday night in February: The populace is off work, up for perhaps a few drinks and a quick bite at a local gastropub, but mostly craving the soft embrace of their couches and the soporific allure of their full Netflix queues. Let’s face it—the average Sacramentan just wants to be sedated; but Colleen Green, a Los Angelean by way of Boston and emergent stoner-punk extraordinaire, has other plans; she wants to be degraded.

She shreds along to the old tune by the Ramones, lyrics rearranged to reflect her favored brand of self-effacing irony. She stands completely alone onstage behind a pair of dark sunglasses, factory-setting drum machine loop and guitar painted with “Happy Birthday Jeff” in colorful letters. Even with the pared-down aesthetic, she manages to exude an effortless cool, the same cool to be found in abundance on her various independent releases, most notably her latest full-length, 2013’s Sock It to Me.

From the outset of her performance, Green strikes a split figure, indebted to both her East Coast origins and adopted West Coast home. The former Green is old school street punk, a thin coat of ennui stretched over a nervy, raw energy befitting the Kim Gordons and Patti Smiths of the New York scene. The latter is pure pop, a one-woman girl band destined to lilt well-crafted melodies beneath the perpetually sunny skies of Southern California. The sound is timeless, and has seen a lot of good usage in the lo-fi-revivalist climate of recent years, most notably by Bethany Consentino of Best Coast. But Colleen Green is another step down the rabbit hole. You can sense a gray cloud over her Venice Beach, and feel a razor beneath the pristine sand.

The sizeable audience at Harlow’s seems to appreciate both sides of Green; unlike some oddly paired opening acts, it’s easy to understand how she fits into tonight’s affair. Her songs are a perfect build-up to the main event, with mid-tempo ballads like “Every Boy Wants a Normal Girl” and minimalist numbers like “Sock it to Me” priming the audience’s appetite for tight hooks, and acting as a slow-burning fuse for the punk explosion we expect from The Thermals.

And who, to the uninitiated, are The Thermals? How about three generations of punk condensed into one insuppressible trio, who, now one decade and six albums into their career, have encompassed every flavor and concern of the genre—death, optimism, religion, politics, fear, self-reflexivity, self-release—and show no signs of exhausting their seemingly unlimited reserves of energy and abandon.

Lead Hutch Harris, bassist Kathy Foster and drummer Westin Glass power through 20 tracks altogether, rarely catching a breath before launching into another tuneful attack. It appears they can chug through a set list faster than The Ramones, glide along with more romantic pop sensibility than The Killers, and still pack in more chord changes and lyrical themes than your average concept song by The Decemberists. The crowd presses in closer—we can’t get enough.

From the victory cry of “You Will Be Free”; the sing-along groove of “Now We Can See”; and the electric, always crowd-pleasing set-closer “A Pillar of Salt,” not a chord or beat is missed. Harris’ voice is a commanding yet anxious tremolo, punctuating the endless stream of chords, repeating lines twice to add intensity. At these moments, his eyes open in a crazed flare, we feel as if we’re being personally addressed, becoming co-conspirators in his battle cry: “We built too many walls…yeah we built too many walls!”

Standing opposite onstage, Foster is cool as a bullet, her signature updo keeping the beat as she nods along. Harris is making the bold claims, and Foster is backing up each one. Together they produce an outrageous yet credible reaction to the onslaughts and insults of the world.

Earlier in the set, a small-statured young lady approaches the proscenium to make a modest request: “Could you play ‘Everything Thermals?’” Maybe I catch an eye-roll from Harris here. This is a joke-song the group bashed out early in their career, a song that will always follow them, near or far, wanted or not. Every band has one. But, miraculously, they return with it as an encore. The girl is ecstatic. They shred it with the same enthusiasm as their last 20 songs. The world is at peace. How good can a Monday night get?

Pretty good, I answer to myself, but can’t help but wish there were more to join us in the exuberance. When will the unrealized potential of the Sacramento audience wake up to the treasure we have on our hands? Sure, It’s not like I’d enjoy being pressed into an unwashed mass packed way beyond fire capacity, but come on; the scene wants you, every day of the week. The thrills I have described above constituted a $12 fee. When I walked in, Colleen Green was manning the sales table and Kathy Foster was having a casual chat with a few audience members in the middle of the dance floor. “In a world…” the movie trailer might begin. But that world is here.

I’m not sure if you realize this, but coffee is sort of a big deal in Sacramento; people take their brew seriously around here. And why shouldn’t we? Sacramento has amazing roasters sourcing their coffee beans from all over the globe, and we’ve got an abundance of chill ass coffee shops and madly talented, passionate baristas pouring at them. Some would even argue that coffee has as much of a “local scene” or “community” as does food, drink, music and art. Speaking of coffee as art, four of Sacramento’s best roasters—Chocolate Fish, Insight, Temple and Old Soul—are joining together to host the first-ever Sacramento Public Latte Art Tournament! Every second Thursday starting in March and carrying on through June 2014, top local baristas will compete pouring latte art, those amazing little designs sitting atop your drink that make you think, “how the hell did they do that?” Contestants’ pours will be carefully judged in four categories: contrast, texture and foam quality, symmetry of pattern and achieved difficulty (see what we mean, they take this shit seriously). The tourneys will kick off at 7 p.m. and will be held at Chocolate Fish on March 13 (UPDATE: Chris Ortega from Temple won the first tourney), Insight on April 10, Temple on May 8 and the finale will be at Old Soul Co. in the Alley on June 12. “These events are like a big barista party with an opportunity for the public to cheer on their favorite coffee house and enjoy the celebration of specialty coffee,” says the tournament’s press release. Organizers hope this will be the first of many coffee events in Sacramento. For more information, search for “SPLAT Sacramento Public Latte Art Tournament” on Facebook (or just Google it).

Sacramento hardcore/metal band Havenside is readying the release of their fourth album, Living Our Darkest Days. This one comes via the small New York-based Innerstrength Records. The twelve-track album will officially release on Tuesday, March 11, 2014, but you can pre-order all sorts of different bundles of merch right now including CD’s, vinyl, digital downloads, T-shirts, etc. at Innerstrengthrecords.bandcamp.com. Havenside’s official album release show will take place on Sunday, March 16, 2014 at Trigga Productions’ “Weirdo Fest” at Midtown BarFly (1119 21st Street, Sacramento). The lineup for Weirdo Fest is seriously stacked, featuring such bands as Conducting From the Grave, Lionheart, Hoods, Sworn Vengeance, With Wolves and a few others. The show is all ages and starts early at 5 p.m. There will also be a BBQ as well as a special burlesque performance by local model Tegan Shmegan. Tickets are $12 in advance, $15 at the door. For $18 you get entrance and food! Don’t miss what is sure to be one of the best local hardcore/metal shows in years in Sacramento, especially in Midtown! For more information on Havenside and to sample a couple tunes off the new album, head to Facebook.com/havensideofficial or Havensideband.com

The Cultured & The Cured brings West Coast Cheeses & Charcuterie (and more!) to East Sacramento

I love a good ol’ dorky pun. So it’s no wonder The Cultured and The Cured, a newly opened meat- and cheese-centric market and deli in East Sacramento, brought a smile to my face with their cheesy tagline, “Livin’ on the Wedge.” A scan of their menu brought a rumble to my tummy—who doesn’t love tasting fancy meats, cheeses and other savory finger foods? Oh yeah. Vegans. Sorry, vegans, good luck with that soy cheese crap—I’m unapologetically stepping out to The Cultured and The Cured.

Upon entering the shop, I was promptly greeted by a friendly, pretty young woman named Hannah, who eagerly showed me the menu and answered all my questions. The husband and wife owners, Chef Andrew Hillman and Kelly Heath, were also hard at work on site, until Kelly departed to go to her nursing job at Dignity Health.

The Cultured and The Cured is a smallish space (844 square feet) at 3644 J Street that is bright, clean and inviting, with a back wall of rustic wood planks, prominent eat-in menu boards, a few tables, an engaging deli case presenting distinctive meats and cheeses, and a row of shelving containing beautiful displays of locally made, epicurean dry goods.

Although tempted by the gourmet sandwich, soup and salad offerings from the kitchen, I thought it best to get a gouda sense of the meat of what this place was all about, and after a couple of questions for Hannah, decided upon the mixed meats charcuterie board and the goat cheese board, which change frequently based on the varying inventory of the shop.

The mixed meats charcuterie board we ordered was a display of small portions of Fabrique Delices Pâté de Campagne with Black Pepper, Fra’ Mani Nostrano, Creminelli Milano, Molinari Finocchiona and Creminelli Mortadella amid smatterings of almonds, mustard and dressed microgreens. The goat cheese board showcased the Cypress Grove Bermuda Triangle, Capri Classic Blue, Achadinha Capricious and Cabricharme goat cheeses, all equidistantly spaced on the wood plank and interspersed with pistachios, mâche drizzled with vinaigrette, dried cranberries and marinated fava beans. Both were served with a basket of assorted organic artisan crackers by Potter’s Crackers, made locally in Sacramento, and also available for sale on the shelves of dry goods within The Cultured and The Cured.

After sampling it all and trying to not draw attention to ourselves by suppressing the urge to moan at every bite, my favorite item of all was the Achadinha Capricious, a goat cheese made in Petaluma, with a rind that smelled like nasty feet and tasted like heaven. Chef Hillman informed us that a wheel of this cheese costs him about $560, and it dawned on me that it was truly a treat to enjoy samples of several such cheeses for only $12.

Also for sale on the shelves of The Cultured and The Cured is the entire line of Preservation and Co. products. Jason Poole, once a bartender at the Pour House, gained national recognition when Absolut Vodka declared his the Best Bloody Mary in California.

His handcrafted mix, coupled with his Sriracha Salt around the rim of the glass, were then in high demand by craft cocktail connoisseurs, and after partnering with Brad Peters, Preservation and Co. was born. You can find the Bloody Mary Mix, Hellfire Hot Sauce and the Sriracha Salt at The Cultured and The Cured, along with pickled items such as cayenne carrot sticks and balsamic beet slices. An array of other interesting and uncommon foods and beverages can be brought home from this East Sacramento meat and cheese shop to pair with your smorgasbord or elevated midnight snack.

“I have people that come in the store, walk over to the Preservation and Co. products, check out and walk right out the door,” says Hillman.

The bulk of their clientele purchases foods to take home rather than to dine in, although my guess is that once the shop secures their beer and wine license, more customers will be inclined to sit down with a glass of local wine and a cheese board as a decadent happy hour revelry. Bonn Lair bar flies across the street can also order cheese and charcuterie boards, which The Cultured and The Cured staff will deliver.

Hillman and Heath opened the doors in November 2013 with a locavore philosophy in mind. They source local products (or, at the very least, American-made) as much as possible. This ideology is even carried through in their shop’s décor, with reclaimed wood from Sonoma, Marin and Sacramento homes and barns, and earth tone paint formulated with goat’s milk from Pescadero. They focus on cheeses from the West Coast; only four cheeses are derived from Europe, and all meats in the case are domestic, although sometimes they will feature extra special imports if there is no comparable product created in our corner of the world.

Chef Hillman has been a member of Slow Food for 15 years, and has worked in restaurants for 30 years, having trained at the Culinary Institute of America in upstate New York—the same school where Anthony Bourdain and many other famous chefs earned their educations.

While the focus is decidedly to be a retail cheese and charcuterie store, Hillman and Heath recognize that unlike small European shops, they have to feature more items to catch a wider audience in America, where people normally shop at supermarkets rather than specialized stores, and they have to do more to capture the attention of their audience through events and partnerships.

“It’s an evolving animal that we have to figure out, that’s the hard part,” Hillman says.

They are planning to start holding cheese classes on Sunday evenings, and to participate in a major upcoming cheese convention at the Sacramento Convention Center.

“The ACS (American Cheese Society) is having their annual convention here in Sacramento at the end of July. It’s the first time it’s ever been out of the East Coast,” explains Hillman. As part of the festivities, they will be holding special events, and be featured on the ACS tour of local haunts to score hard-to-find cheeses. Additionally, they will be partnering up with Evan from Evan’s Kitchen to help with a cheese-focused wine dinner on Feb. 3.

Until then, brie a sport and make your whey to Sacramento’s latest fromagerie and sample the bounty of West Coast cheese and charcuterie.

The store is open Tuesday–Thursday from 11 a.m.–9 p.m.; Friday and Saturday from 11 a.m.–10 p.m.; and Sunday from 11 a.m.–5 p.m. Visit Culturedandcured.com for more info.

Well it took a long time (no thanks to the city’s endless hurdles), but Midtown’s newest beer bar, Der Biergarten, located on the corner of 24th and K streets (what was once that ugly vacant lot next to Golden Bear), is finally open! This cozy little open-air German-influenced beer garden swung open its gates to the public on Friday, Jan. 24, 2014, but Submerge was lucky enough to attend their soft opening a couple days prior. We were impressed with their affordably priced, vast selection of beers; they have 32 on tap alone. Plus the sausages they serve from Morant’s Old Fashioned Sausage Kitchen and the salad that we tried were great too, and they came out surprisingly fast (granted we were there earlier in the day, before they presumably got slammed like all new restaurants do). For drinks, we had the Erdinger Hefeweizen (excellent), New Helvetia’s Buffalo Craft Lager (also excellent, plus it’s local!) and their Biergarten Blonde “house beer,” which is brewed by Lost Coast. The highlight was that one of our favorite sour ales, Duchesse de Bourgogne, tasted oh-so-good on draft (we usually get it out of the bottle at other local craft beer bars). Next time we return, we’ll order one of their sandwiches that come served on a waffle! Sounds weird, but we saw a couple come out of the kitchen and they looked delicious.

And while we know we desperately need some rain, you really can’t argue that this weather lately is absolutely perfect for owner Sean Derfield (he also owns River City Saloon in Old Sacramento) and his Biergarten team to open up their outdoor eatery. So as long as this abnormal weather sticks around, you might as well pop into the Biergarten to see what it’s all about and enjoy some brews and food with friends. Bring your pup, too, as they are dog friendly. For more information, visit Facebook.com/MidtownBierGarten or Beergardensacramento.com. To view a frequently updated list of what’s on tap, visit Sacramento.taphunter.com/location/Midtown-BierGarten.

Backstreet Boys, The Fray

Ace of Spades, Sacramento
Wednesday, Dec. 4, 2013

What could be sadder than a 38-year-old man going to a Backstreet Boys concert by himself? Well, to be honest, probably a lot of things. For instance, that last copy of Zoppi’s Suspended CD that remained untouched at The Beat since it was released in 2000 is pretty heart-wrenching. And images of the abandoned Ferris wheel at The Neverland Ranch are downright depressing. So, I dunno, there are things.

But here’s the weird part: Right when I heard Backstreet Boys were coming to Ace of Spades (and that the show was sold out), my first thought was, “I need to cover this” without even questioning for one second why in 2013 I would actually want to see the Backstreet Boys. And even weirder: After a bit of thought, it dawned on me that I don’t know any of the members in the Backstreet Boys. And the only song I can recall is the one that goes, “Backstreet’s back alright!”

Which is when my existential crisis kicked into high gear.

“Why?” I thought. “Why would I beg to review this concert? What is the point? Why is this band important to me if I don’t even know the members or any of their songs?” Even more difficult to understand was at the end of every question came only one answer: BACKSTREET BOYS. It made no sense that I could think no further than that, as if my mind was somehow clouded by their stardom.

Why do I want to go to this concert? BACKSTREET BOYS.

Who are the members of Backstreet Boys? BACKSTREET BOYS.

What is the … BACKSTREET BOYS.

It’s like a satanic curse that landed me in a hellish underworld of dramatic finger pointing, waxed male nipples and stylishly choreographed dance moves.

However, because I am a professional, my research began, and through that I learned that Justin Timberlake is, in fact, not a Backstreet Boy. And I found out there’s a Backstreet Boy named Howie. And I guess one of the guys, Kevin, is back (hehe, get it?) and Nick Carter, the tall baby-faced blonde with porn star qualities, had a cameo in Edward Scissorhands … So, armed with as much Backstreet trivia as my brain could handle, I set off for Ace of Spades.

A band called The Fray took to the stage at 8 p.m. I actually listened to a few of their songs before seeing them live—enough to determine that their whitebread form of rock ‘n’ roll sounds like music a menopausal woman might listen to right when she says, “Fuck it,” and tries heroin for the first time. The Fray went on for an hour-and-a-half. A long, grueling hour-and-a-half that I mostly spent standing next to Mark S. Allen, analyzing his beautiful and flawless face. If that ageless man isn’t handsome I don’t know who is. Anyway, the most interesting part of The Fray’s set was when two bleached blonde soccer moms fistfought by the bar.

When the Backstreet Boys (there are five of them, I learned) finally took to the stage, my life force had been uncomfortably moistened by The Fray’s steaming pile of music. However, I was quickly intrigued by their presence. They looked healthy and spry, like a boy band should. And their voices, while a little on the low end and muffled by the loud backing tracks (yup, no live band), sounded competent enough. They hit their melodies and demonstrated complete control of their voices (let’s be honest: not even Lauryn Hill can do that anymore). And all that while dancing in tight pants.

After a few classics and a performance of their new song “Show ‘Em (What You’re Made Of),” a surprisingly sparse and catchy single, Nick Carter announced that the Backstreet Boys aren’t just a boy band. “We can play instruments, too,” he said, which took us down a long, boring road of acoustic pop songs.

To be honest, all their songs sounded the same, but I sort of enjoyed standing there in that fog of Axe Body Spray, watching good-looking people sing and dance—if only for the change of scenery. It was certainly a change from watching death metal bands while standing in a crowd half-filled with methed-up neo-Nazis.

Halfway through the Backstreet Boys’ set, I felt the tip of a fingernail grinding into my shoulder. It was a woman, probably in her 50s, wearing an obscene amount of eye shadow and blush.

“Hey, you need to move because I’m trying to keep an eye on my daughter,” she said.

“No,” I said. “There’s no room for me to move.”

“I’m trying to watch my daughter,” she shot back, pointing to the teenage girl in front of me.

“If you cared about your daughter you’d leave the bar and stand with her,” I said.

“How dare you?” she yelled, as if nobody had said no to her in her life. “Why won’t you move?”

I grinned, because the answer, of course, was BACKSTREET BOYS.